The Home Depot and the Human Catapult

Richard, still banned from large-scale home repair after the kitchen cabinet incident, was attempting a "small, low-risk project": installing a heavy-duty, retractable clothesline in his laundry room.

He went to the massive Home Depot, purchased the necessary materials—including a tension spring so large it looked like it belonged on a tractor—and decided to test the tension immediately in the middle of the tool aisle.

Richard anchored one end of the massive tension spring to a sturdy metal shelving unit packed with paint cans. He then pulled the other end taut, demonstrating the spring’s strength.

He was pulling hard, grunting with effort, when a voice spoke directly into his ear.

"Excuse me, sir," said a very polite, elderly woman, trying to get around him. "Is this the aisle with the high-gloss varnish?"

Richard, startled by the sudden human interaction, let go of the tension spring.

The spring, released from maximum tension, retracted instantly. It didn't just snap back; it executed a perfect, slingshot motion.

The end of the heavy spring, now a dangerous projectile, shot backward, catching the full, heavy cart Richard had loaded with tools.

The cart, acting as a massive, wheeled battering ram, launched backward. It struck the oblivious elderly woman square in the hips, knocking her forward with impressive force.

She tumbled forward, hitting a stack of paint cans, which then cascaded down.

The woman didn't fall to the ground. She fell perfectly into a small, portable hot tub display that was filled with water for demonstration purposes.

SPLASH!

She landed submerged, fully clothed, surrounded by floating rubber ducks, directly in the middle of the Plumbing Section.

Richard stood frozen, holding the massive, vibrating spring, staring at the woman who was now sputtering and surrounded by colorful plastic poultry.

A nearby Home Depot employee, a teenage boy named Kevin who had seen everything, sauntered over.

"Dude," Kevin said, chewing gum slowly. "You just human-catapulted a grandma into a hot tub display. That's a new record."

Richard ran over to the hot tub. "Ma'am! I am so sorry! I was testing the tensile strength of the spring!"

The woman, soaking wet and furious, pointed a finger at him. "I just wanted varnish! And now I'm floating in a small, portable spa with your dirty tools! This is assault with a tension spring!"

The store manager arrived, looking at the soaked woman, the scattered paint, and the massive spring still vibrating on the shelf.

The woman pointed at the spring. "That thing is a weapon! It knocked me into the spa!"

The manager looked at Richard. "Sir, we have security footage. You assaulted a customer using a highly tensioned coil spring. And you caused significant structural damage to the Hot Tub display. You are banned from testing anything over five pounds in the store."

Richard spent the next hour helping the woman out of the spa and paying for the damaged paint and the dry cleaning. He decided that his next low-risk project would be strictly limited to looking up carpentry videos on YouTube—far away from any volatile springs.